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Teen's pamphlet on divorce gets judicial notice
Monday, June 05, 2006
By PEGGY O'CROWLEY
Star-Ledger Staff

Jacob M. Solomon's parents divorced when he was 3, and as he went through grade school and middle school, he learned a valuable lesson: find an adult to talk to and confide in, someone who will think about what's best for you.

So Jacob sought out Sheila Brown, his guidance counselor at a public elementary school in New York City, and then Denise Worthington, a middle school guidance counselor in Millburn, where Jacob moved when his mother remarried.

That advice is now Point Four in Jacob's pamphlet for children of divorce, "Empower Yourself: A Teenager's Guide to Coping with Your Parents' Divorce (Or the ten most important things to know when your parents separate)."

It's a tool that a family court judge thinks is so helpful, he's invited Jacob to serve on a panel at a conference for all the family judges in the state.

"Somebody sent me the pamphlet, and I was very impressed with it," said Judge Michael K. Diamond, presiding judge of the family part in Passaic County Superior Court and an organizer of the two-day conference that starts tomorrow.

"Just to hear from a 16-year-old youngster and how it (divorce) affected him is important," Diamond said. "A lot of judges may not necessarily see that. We may be able to develop it into our own methods of dealing with cases."

Jacob, now a sophomore at West Essex High School in Norrth Caldwell, said he started writing down his advice as a way to help other children going through their parents' divorce.

"I've been doing this for a while, just talking to some of the kids," said Jacob, who attended a support group.

"And some of my friends' parents are just getting divorced now. I'm really excited the judges will get a kid's perspective."

While his parents, Cliff Solomon of Maryland and Barbara Aueron of Millburn, have an amicable divorce for the most part, Jacob said he did have to deal with issues that continually come up, including visitation schedules, planning his bar mitzvah, and how to get along with step- and half-siblings when parents remarry.

His 10 points include how to tackle some of the problems that affect the estimated 1 million children whose parents split up each year. He starts with assuring kids the breakup is not their fault, a common perception, and advises them on how to advocate for themselves when parents are bent on carrying their own wishes.
Jacob also lets them know they are not alone, a comfort he found in the Changing Families group led by Worthington at Millburn Middle School.

"Adolescence is difficult enough, and these kids hate being exceptional," Worthington, adding that being able to discuss problems stemming from divorce helped students relate to each other and provide advice. At each meeting, kids are encouraged to "rate your week" and look at ways to improve situations, she said.

"The divorce situation waxes and wanes, and Jacob was a great participant," said Worthington, who will be on the panel with Jacob at the conference. "Jacob came to me this year, when he was in 10th grade, and told me he had written this pamphlet. I was very impressed with how he's figured it out."

Worthington, who said she did not edit the content of the pamphlet, has been sending it to other guidance counselors. His mother helped him send it to lawyers and judges to find out if there was an interest, Jacob said.
One issue Jacob addresses in the pamphlet, written for middle and high school students, is how teens can cope when weekend visitation starts to interfere with social activities, sports and school.

"You've got to do what is best for you," he advises, including letting parents know what the child's wishes are. "It is all right for you to want to do other things," he wrote.

Jacob himself is busy writing for the school newspaper and serving as a peer counselor and on the school's steering committee. He also works out in a gym, plays drums in the school band and mentors a special needs student.

"He has a passion for jumping in and helping," said Aueron, his mother. "I don't know anybody who has been through a divorce where the parents get along 100 percent and there aren't any problems. But I'm proud of how he's turned out. He's mature and together, and he's helping other people."

Jacob has worked out his own visitation schedule with his parents. He visits his father and his new family, including two young half-sisters, in Maryland once a month.

He doesn't address the challenges of blended families in the pamphlet, but he thinks he'll tackle that in an updated version he'll write over the summer.

While there are drawbacks, there are also pluses in new relationships, he said. "I have two stepsisters, and as an only child, I liked having them around."

Jacob said he also decided to focus on the positives that can come out of emotional pain. "You will be a stronger and more mature person," he wrote. And in a playful point, he talks about turning to the other parent to get something if the first one says no.

Jacob said he has not made a habit of that, but his mother mentioned the time when she refused to buy him a laptop computer.

After his next visit to his dad, "he did come back with a laptop," she said as Jacob laughed.

To order pamphlets, call (908) 578-4813.

Peggy O'Crowley covers family issues. She may be reached at pocrowley@starledger.com or at

(973) 392-5810.